This Chapter could be called, What Turns a Woman On! I have heard from many women who express their dissatisfaction with men as lovers and their resentment towards how women are portrayed in XXX rated films videos and sex magazines.
Most women want more than just a sexual relationship with a man. They resent being used to sexually service men who are without any concern for their pleasure or for them as human beings. They especially resent begin expected to have the sexual desires and performance of a porn star in a XXX film. Many women have wondered if most women are really like the girls in those sex films.
Most women are not like the girls in porn films who seem to have an orgasm when the man shoots his cum on her face. In fact, the women in the films aren't even that way. Its a job. They are actresses. Most triple X rated films, videos and sex magazines are made to appeal to men - men are the main consumers and most porn material is written by men for men.
That pioneer in the study of sex, Dr. Alfred Kinsey, is quoted in the book, A History of Pornography, by H. Montgomery Hyde: "As the late Dr. Alfred Kinsey has pointed out, a great deal of pornographic literature is concerned with detailed descriptions of genital activity and descriptions of male genital performance. `These are elements in which females according to our data are not ordinarily interested. The females in such literature extol the male's genital and copulatory capacity and there is considerable emphasis on the intensity of the female's response and the insatiability of her sexual desires. All of these represent the kind of female which most males wish all females to be. They represent typically masculine interpretations of the average female's capacity to respond to psychologic stimuli. Such elements are introduced because they are of erotic significance to the male writers, and because they are of erotic significance to the consuming public, which is almost exclusively male.' Among several thousands of pornographic documents composed by amateurs, which Kinsey examined over a period of 15 years, he could find only three manuscripts written by females which contained erotic elements of the sort ordinarily found in documents written by males. In the pictorial field there were less than a dozen erotic drawings by female artists. The conclusion reached by Kinsey and his research assistants is that the vast majority of women are unmoved by the kind of pornography which appeals to males. What females respond to much more readily is literature and art which reflect general emotional relationships, romance and love. Generally speaking, women are not interested in pure pornography. For them this approach to the subject of sex is too crude."
The Kinsey Institute of Sex Research has the largest collection of erotic literature in the United States and third largest in the world. Who has a bigger collection may surprise you - The Vatican Library in Rome. Obviously the Catholic priests must have an intimate understanding of what they condemn.
Sex researchers have found women to be less excited by visual stimuli than men. Kinsey reported that by portraying sexual action in photographs and movies, 77% of males were erotically aroused and only 32% of females had a sexual reaction. In the group Kinsey studied 54% of males were erotically aroused by seeing photos, drawing or paintings of nude females just the same as they were aroused seeing the real thing. Only 12% of females were aroused by the same types of visuals of nude males. Obviously, women don't get as turned on by seeing a nude man as men get turned on seeing a nude woman. I'm not saying that this is an inherent genetic response. It is what sex researchers have observed to date. It may very well be that the lack of response is a social, cultural or learned response. Women's cultural and religious training may have conditioned them not to look at such things, or to not see erotic value in them. But these statistics show that only 1/3 of the women were turned on compared to 2/3 of men being turned on. Most of the women I have observed and talked to have been open and sexual. Only about 10% of them have been turned on by such erotic visuals. It is quite possible that women who are not open sexually, to whom sex is a taboo, might be more susceptible to this form of stimuli.
One sexologist, Dr. Albert Ellis, gives this possible explanation: "Because we make little fuss over bare chested men, few extra copies of picture magazines can be sold by exhibiting them. And because we refuse to show women completely ungarbed, we create an ardent desire for them to be shown 98% naked. If pictures of jock strapped males were taboo, girls would probably wish to buy them under the counter and if women strolled around in the nil, so, too would be the interest of men in their epidermises".
Women respond more positively to love stories and romance novels than to more explicit descriptions of sex acts. This concern with love more than sex is revealed even in graffiti, or writing on toilet walls. Kinsey's researchers found that the graffiti by women referred to love or two names together, "Mary loves John", or drawings of hearts with two names in them. Very few described sexual activities. Whereas in 86% of the writings on men's toilet walls - words and drawings - had to do with genital organs and sex words and drawings of couples in sex acts.
Another difference between men and women is in the response to sound and the spoken words. When Maurice Ravel wrote "Bolero" in 1928, he was unaware of the affect the music of his ballet would have on women. He had written "Sheherazade" as an exotic (erotic) song 25 years earlier, but Sheherazade had never actually excited a woman to sexual activity. With the invention of the "Victrola" men could play music to women in their apartments, setting the stage for romance, but no other music has ever turned women on - raising in them a feeling and desire for sexual fulfillment - like Bolero. Men do not react in the same way. Perhaps this is part of what Shere Hite found in her survey of women which led her to conclude that a good lover is one who knows how to say the right things. The right music, the right words - song and verse - a little wine and.... A little wine in a man and his penis probably won't even get erect. But for a woman the things which she can perceive with her eyes closed enhance her romantic fantasy. It is often true that the way to a woman's vagina is through her stomach. When women talk about the romantic evenings which ended with sex, the evening almost always began with dinner.
Whatever the cause may be, religious guilt, social teachings or inherent genetic differences, nonetheless, definite differences do exits between the sexual responses of men and women. In order to have mutually satisfying sexual relationships we have to understand that there are great differences in the sexual preferences of what turns on the average women and what sexual excites the average man. A great lover obviously is far above the average and knows or learns these preferences.
I am fortunate to be a very sexual woman. Unlike most women I do no not need a lot of foreplay to get me ready for intercourse and orgasm. I like to jump right in and go for it. I'm very busy, I have a lot going on in my life. And though I always make time for sex, I don't have a lot of time for the foreplay. Four play to me is having four men.
I also don't need to feel that I am in love with a man before I can have sex with him. But I do love my fellow man. I wouldn't be a priestess and have dedicated myself to helping men and women through sexual rituals if I did not feel love for them, but I don't have to be "in love". I can enjoy myself and have sex with a man or woman without having an emotional attachment.
Of course I'm unusual. I am a priestess to the Goddess. I have trained myself to be a sexual person. If a priestess cannot or does not enjoy sex she cannot become a priestess. It would be total hypocrisy to say sex is a wonderful gift from God and Goddess, a pathway back to the Divine, and then grit your teeth or yawn through the sex acts. I love what I do. I get great spiritual and intellectual pleasure from teaching my religion and I get great spiritual and physical pleasure from going through the rituals. I also enjoy what you might call "sport" sex, sex just for the fun of it. It is the right of a priestess to have sex with whomever she chooses, whenever she chooses - just for fun. Sex with a priestess in our purification rituals is done to absolve the man's transgression (sins are a Jewish creation, derived from the Assyrian Moon God, Sin). Sex outside the religious rituals is "for the feel of it".
In my calling as the High Priestess of The House of The Goddesses, I talk to a lot of men and women about sex. It is important for me to know if a person has any hang ups or guilt feelings left over from old religions. So I hear the complaints, praise and comments of what men think about women and what women think about men. I have observed through my own personal experience that men and women vary a great deal in their sexual preferences, yet in general they do follow the patterns of preferences observed by sexologists.
The Book of Sex Lists, compiled by Albert B. Gerber in 1989 is very helpful in explaining why mutual sexual satisfaction is not as common as men and women would like. The Book of Sex Lists, lists the 10 sexual activities preferred by heterosexual men in order of preference. What most men like:
#1 in order of preference, is fellatio by a woman to orgasm. That is, his orgasm not hers. In other words he comes in her mouth;
#2, intercourse with a woman in a variety of positions changing from time to time;
#3, Nude encounters with 2 women in a variety of activities changing from time to time;
#4, Petting the breasts of a woman;
#5, Anal intercourse with a woman--remember we are discussing heterosexual males;
#6, Performing cunnilingus while the woman is performing fellatio (69);
#7, performing sadomasochistic acts (mild, not severe) on a woman;
#8, Being masturbated by a woman. (You can't be masturbated by a woman, the word is fricatrice, but that is explained in the Chapter on Male Masturbation);
#9, Performing simple cunnilingus;
#1, Gentle cunnilingus (on the clitoris) by a man (much emphasis on the gentle);
#2, Gentle finger stimulation of the clitoris (gentle) by a man;
#3, Sexual intercourse on top of a man;
#4, Sexual intercourse in a variety of changing positions;
#5, Receiving cunnilingus (gentle, of course ) while preforming fellatio (69);
#6, Massaging a man all over.
#7, Masturbating a man;
#8, Being petted, kissed and stimulated manually and orally by two men, culminating in intercourse with one man while the other finger strokes alternately gently the clitoris and the nipples;
#10, Performing simple fellatio.
Putting these lists of preferences side by side is quite revealing.
|1. Fellatio||1. Cunnilingus|
|2. Changing intercourse||2. Fingering clitoris|
|3. Two nude women||3. Top intercourse|
|4. Pet breasts||4. Changing intercourse|
|5. Anal||5. 69|
|6. 69||6. Massaging|
|7. S&M||7. Fricatrice|
|8. Fricatrice||8. 2 men|
|9. Cunnilingus||9. Masturbation|
|10. Masturbation||10. Fellatio|
As you look at the lists, you will notice that the most preferred activity by men, fellatio, - the female the woman sucking the man's cock - is the least preferred activity by women. No wonder XXX films show women loving to suck cocks. No wonder men think that women love to suck their cocks. No wonder there's no instant mutual satisfaction. No wonder women are not eager to have sex with a man. What can she look forward to, sucking his cock? His #1 preference is the least exciting thing for her, shoving his cock in her face.
The only girls I've heard of who really wanted to perform fellatio are those who wanted to preserve their virginity and their popularity at the same time. To be a virgin on her wedding night. A weird sense of morality. Just as with married women who want to have sex with another man, while not having "sex" with the man. "I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky."
There is one group of women who do prefer fellatio and that is "street hookers". Fellatio is something they can do quickly in a car without renting a motel room or even taking their clothes off.
Contrary to the impression given by most porn movies, most women do not get excited while giving a man head. Nor do they have orgasms as the man shoots his cum on their face, breasts, ass or wherever. Women do not, as the movie Deep Throat humorously portrayed, have their clitorises in their throats. And remember, women are not greatly aroused by the sight of nude male anatomy.
So what's in it for them? Yes, there are exceptions. There are some women who love to suck cocks, who would rather suck cocks than fuck - and they enjoy it, or they get turned on by sucking a cock. But they are very rare, perhaps one in one thousand.
"Well", you may say, "look at women's first choice, they want to have oral sex performed on them".
True, women know that their major sex organ is the clitoris.
So what's the difference? What does the man get out of it?
Although cunnilingus is not high on man's list he actually prefers cunnilingus to masturbation. With a "Great Lover" cunnilingus is at or near the top of his list. As I expected, when I wrote this 30 years ago, more and more men would now be listing cunnilingus higher on their list of preferences. 30 years before that, back in the 50s, most men wouldn't admit to performing oral sex on a woman. Most black men still don't, though a lot of black women love to have their pussies eaten. But more and more men are discovering that oral sex is not only enjoyable but definitely the way to a women's hearts and to her vagina.
What effect does performing cunnilingus have on men? In, How to get More out of Sex, Dr. Reuben talks about, pheromone, substances that both male and females can inhale without knowing it and which irresistibly influence their sexual feelings. He postulates that it is female pheromone that enable men to enjoy cunnilingus so much, "almost every man who has the opportunity finds cunnilingus tremendously exciting, over and over again. Many cunilictors have spontaneous erections and even ejaculations without any other sexual stimulation other then mouth vagina clitoris."
I've never heard of a woman having an orgasm simply by sucking on a man's cock, but I've found that most men will get erection while they are performing oral sex ne me and I've had many men who get so excited they've had orgasms while eating me. These are the true connoisseurs - cunilictors.
Men also love visual stimulation more than women do. Men love to look at a woman's vagina. Many men will go out of their way to find nude dance clubs where they can have women "dance" while showing their cunts to the men. I shave my pubic hair, which is a tradition of Egyptian priestesses, so it is even easier to see those "secret parts" that have been mysterious to men for many generations. What better way to get a good look than while performing oral sex. Well, if all the man wants is to look, then there are millions of videos....
Early Christians had sex through holes in their clothes. A married couple might never see each other's nude bodies their entire lives. There was little visual stimulation for the man or the woman, and there was little or no pussy eating - just cock sucking, with the man pulling his cock through the hole in the clothes for the woman to suck.
But fellatio is only the most obvious disagreement in preferences.
Men list having two nude women as their # 3 preference. Men don't want women in gowns or sexy lingerie, they wants nudes. Again, men are stimulated by the visual effect of a nude female body.
Having two women isn't even on the woman's mind let alone her list. However, having two men is #8 just above masturbation which is above fellatio.
Women want the clit gently stimulated - too much pressure can turn pleasure into pain. The best technique is to start off very gently and slowly and build up in speed and pressure as the woman builds to orgasm.
If you're a little shy about using your tongue at first, use your finger, gently.
> Fingering the clitoris is #2 on women's list. It is not on man's list at all. But take note that women specify the clitoris. Women have more sexual sensing nerve endings in their tiny clits than men have in the entire head of their penis. It's all concentrated into one little power house of pleasure. Most men unfortunately like to use their fingers not to stimulate the clitoris, but to shove up the vagina. Finger fucking is not on women's list at all.
#2 on man's list, just after having his cock sucked, is changing positions. It may sound exciting, but it isn't, even though it's #4 on woman's list - what else is there for her?. Men like to change positions so that they can play around a lot, make sex last longer. It's also done so they can brag that they've tried everything, and how long they fucked.
Women generally need longer, continuous stimulation than men to produce an orgasm. There is nothing more frustrating for a woman than to build to an orgasm and have her insensitive partner stop and say "let's change positions". My response is, "Great idea. I'll stay here and you can get out of my bed". I don't need the frustration.
Women's #3 preference is being on the top position during intercourse. This is called the priestess position. It's my favorite. It has been used from ancient times in our rituals. The reason women prefer this position has nothing to do with dominance, so get rid of your male chauvinistic superiority hang ups. The simple fact is that this position gives the women the most pleasure. On top a woman can control the rhythm and by leaning forward she can stimulate her clitoris by contact with her partners pelvis. Her partner can give added stimulation by playing with her nipples. Its a great position for the man. He can get visual stimulation, he can see her body and the ecstasy on her face, and if he's not overweight he can see his cock as she slides up and down on it. He can just lie there and enjoy himself while his partner does most of the work. This position would only be disliked by men who have to be in total control of the sexual situation. It is not on man's list at all.
Man's #3 preference, nude encounters with two women in a variety of changing positions is nowhere on woman's list.
A woman does not want another women to join her and her man. She does want two men, however, which is #8 on woman's list. So if you're planning a menage a trois, make it 2 men and one women or she'll most likely turn you down.
I haven't found a man who can sexually handle 2 women adequately at the same time. If he concentrates on stimulating one his rhythm is off for the other. Great sex takes concentration - concentration on your partner. Two men can concentrate on one woman and get great sexual pleasure, but two women get nothing out of sex with one man, and they often just enjoy each other and forget the man.
You have to be sensitive to what his or her body is doing. I have had several men lose out on fucking me simply because they let their own fantasy get the best of them. They wanted two women and they ended up with nothing.
Man's #4 preference is petting breasts. That's another preference which is not on woman's list. American men tend to have a breast fixation. Italian men are known for liking fannies which they are notorious for pinching, while Americans go for boobs.
But what about the women, certainly they stuff their chests with silicone to enormous size. More than six million women have had breast implants since the craze began.
They may do a great deal for a woman's self esteem, but what does having these silicone mounds petted do anything for the woman?
Look at woman's preference #8, "being petted and stimulated manually and orally by 2 men, culminating in intercourse with one man while the other finger stokes alternatively, gently the clitoris and the nipples.
Note the preference is the nipples. It is nipples not the entire breast that is erotically responsive. Some sex researchers say that when the nipples get erect it is a sure way to tell if a woman has really had an orgasm and is not just faking it.
The rest of the breast is not stimulating to all but a few rare women - again perhaps 1 in 1,000. Trying to stimulate a silicone padding does nothing for a woman either. In fact during the implant operation some nerve endings to the nipple which are responsible for the erotic effects, a direct line to the clit, may be severed and erotic sensitivity of the nipples may be lost or diminished after a breast implant operation.
I have very erotic nipples. I can have an orgasm with nipple stimulation alone, which shoots the theory that there are only clitoral orgasms. I have had great pleasure with one man eating my pussy while two other men lick and suck my breasts. But that takes good lovers, men who can read the woman's response to their act, and who can work in harmony with the other men. Finding one great lover is hard enough - finding two at the same time is next to impossible - three may happen every 5 years or so. So guys, go for the nipples if you want to arouse and please a women, forget the rest of the breast.
Man's #5, is anal intercourse, another act that doesn't even make the woman's list at all.
Men are much more erotically sensitive in the anal area than women. Men have more nerve endings in that area. Men may think that because they enjoy a finger or cock in their ass that women will also. But most women don't like a finger or a cock in the rectum. Anal sex is painful for most women. However, statistics shown an increase in the number of women who have tried anal sex over the last 80 years--but not an increase in frequency. Women are now more open to trying new or different things but they don't buy the old cliche, "try it you'll like it". They try it and don't like it. However, a small number of women do enjoy being fucked in the ass and some women use anal as a means of birth control, though that is not fool proof. Because the sexual transmission of AIDS is almost exclusively accomplished through anal sex - a male AIDS carrier fucking a man or woman in the ass - there are fewer women willing to engage in buggery. And, since men do contract HIV while have anal sex with a woman it is a good idea to stay away for that "sport."
#6 on man's list is 69 which is #5 in woman's list. At last there is something that both men and women enjoy about the same. There has been a tremendous increase in the practice of oral sex in the last 80 years. Eating pussy has gone from only about 15% sex in marriage in the 1940's when Kinsey first started polling, to over 55% today.
However, another preference of men found nowhere on woman's list is #7 on man's list, S&M, sado-Masochism. Very few women like to be beaten, spanked, humiliated, urinated on or any other such things. (The subject is covered in the Chapter on S&M) I found it rather devastating to see that most men would rather give a women pain than pure pleasure. Inflicting pain is #7, whereas eating her pussy is only #9 on his list. That's sad!
Looking at #8, men want to be masturbated by a woman. What they really mean is they want their penises stroked, jacked off, by a fricatrice. But that's okay, because its #7 on a woman's list. Personally, I find that rather boring, but apparently many women do like it, probably because it's better than any other type of sex the man can give.
Looking at #9, men prefer oral sex on a women more than masturbating. Yet men masturbate more than they eat pussy, usually because their cock is always at hand while a pussy is not always at tongues reach. As I mentioned, many men do ejaculate while eating a women. On the other hand women would rather stroke themselves then suck a cock. If fellatio is all you want from a woman and you want to give nothing in return, she'll probably trade you in for a vibrator.
Those differences in preferences of sexual activities should give some idea as to why there are not a lot of mutual satisfying sexual relations. It should let a guy know why women are not eager to jump into bed with him. Women know or quickly learn, that what guys want most is what they enjoy least.
Men get to be great lovers by being sensitive to what the woman enjoys. From this it is obvious that all those porno films and sex magazines are not portraying what women want, but rather what men want. Women were not placed on earth to service man as the bible has been interpreted to mean. It is rather ironic that men expect women to service them and then they pass laws against prostitutes who are the only women who want to just service them. But one thing about the lists of preferences men should remember. The preferences may not be your list, but they are on the list of most women. If a woman has sex at all there is a better than 50-50 chance that she will love having her pussy eaten. There is a 90% chance she won't like sucking your cock. If you want a woman to have sex with you, "have it her way". And having it her way is the best way to be at the top of her rating of how men compare.